Last week was a busy week, as I think this one will be too, but maybe not as much. Monday I got all my housework done early and decided to go to hubby's restaurant for some lunch. Plus I forgot to give him his bank card from the day before. Tuesday I was at the school and was talked into going on a field trip with my son's class. I thought maybe that I would have the day off b/c she didn't mention anything about the field trip before and I did not sign up, but she pulled the guilt trip on me and so now I am going to Mobius Kids with CJ's class tomorrow.
Wednesday was Halloween. A very busy day! I went to school with Sho-sho but ended up helping out in CJ's class. Oh Have I mentioned that CJ's teacher is pregnant with twins through IVF? I feel like I was meant to meet her so I could experience her pregnancy with her in a way that I couldn't with my sister. I read updates on my sister through her blog and with CJ's teacher, I can see things first hand. You know? Well after school we came home and got the older kids costumes on and then headed downtown to get a bite to eat at Rocky's and then to River Pa*rk square for some indoor trick or treating. After meeting up with hubby, we headed home to empty bags and start over at North*town. Before leaving I got a phone call from my mom saying that my dad, for his birthday which is on the 1st, bought himself a 2008 Maz*da Mia*ta. Silly guy!
Thursday was a quiet day. Hubby went out that night to play poker and I stay with the kids, as usual!! (When is my night to go out?) We made the mistake of eating McBarfo's and yes I got food poisoning. I woke up about 4:30 Friday morning and was puking andhad diarrhea and felt as though someone was punching me in the gut all day. Needless to say I will NOT be eating there ever again. I was trying not to eat there anymore anyway, b/c let's face it, the food really is not that good and it is soo bad for you. Blah!
So Friday, Sho-sho stayed home with me, as I was not able to get out of bed to take her to school. And I was waiting all day for hubby to get home. Now here is where I need some help from someone. My husband called often during the day to check up on me and see how things were going. He told me early in the morning that he had alot of things to do at work and then he would be going to the store to pick up some things. I told him that was okay. When he called me in the afternoon, I had stopped vomiting, but the other thing was still going on. I should just point out here that I am not a believer in taking pep*to or any upset stomach remedies. I feel that when your body does certain things, like diarrhea, it is something that you just need to let your body do. It is fighting something and you should let it, you know? So anyway, here is the issue. My husband called to see how things were doing about 7:30 that night and I told him that I was doing better, but I was starting to get a little hungry and the water was just blah and I wanted something with a little more flavor. So I asked him to get some saltine crackers and ginger ale for me. He said that he was just leaving work to head to the store. When 9 o'clock rolled around I called wondering where he was.
No answer. (sometimes, in certain stores, the cell phone doesn't ring) So I tried again. No answer. Hmmmm? After several times of calling I called from my cell phone and then he called me back. Apparently the cell phone ring is louder than the home phone ring. So I answer my cell phone and I hear a bunch of ruckus in the background and I say " that doesn't sound like the store?" and he said that it wasn'tand that he was at a bar with some old friends that he had plans to meet up with them since the day before. But just kept telling me all day that he was going to the store. Then I asked him why he was at the bar and he said, in a drunken response, that his brother was dead. I started to cry. did it not matter that I was home sick? Was it more important for him to get drunk to remember his brother who passed 2 weeks ago? Am I being selfish? I don't think I am.
So anyway, he hangs up on me and I call back. each time only getting a few words in and then he hangs up. finally, the last time I talk to him I say , " You know I promised your dad that I would take care of you always, but if you are going to continue grieving like this, I think I am going to have to file for divorce." He hung up on me. He called back some time later and told me to never threaten him again. Anyway, The night went on with him saying hurtful things to me that he did not recall in the morning. I am so pissed at the way he has been treating me since his brother passed. I was there for him when he needed to cry and anything that he needed the first few days, but then after that he just treated me like complete shit. Not letting me help and not talking to me. And another things, he makes the money and I usually have very little and buy what I can with it, but we had no food in the house at all last week. We ate out alot and he has had other things to do rather than provide for our family. So my question and the thing I need help with is, Is this just a phase of grieving that he is going through? Should I put up with this? I am so mad and Friday was just the final straw. I was crying all Friday night and then Saturday my sadness turned to anger and I just did not even want to look at him. Then Saturday evening he tried to turn the table and act like he was the one that was mad at me. I am pissed and I don't want to take it anymore. I love my husband, I just don't like the way he is treating me and I just want an apology from him or an acknowledgement that he has done me wrong, but he won't do it. I have no more empathy for him when he is treating me like I don't matter and in fact told me that while he was drunk. He told me that I don't matter and that the only thing that mattered was his brother's being. Whatever that means.
I just don't know what to do here. Anybody?
Update: So I went down to hubby's work and we talked. I told him how I felt and how it hurt me and that was why I couldn't be empathetic towards him b/c I felt like his servant and not his spouse. He made acknowledgements on how he could have done things differently and I think I am okay with some things. I think thigs are going to be okay from now on, but we'll see?
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2 comments:
Well, knowing things that have gone on in the past with you guys, I don't know if I can consider this his way of dealing with his grief. This is the way I've seen/heard him act time and time again - and I think you know that. I'm not sure if he has ever treated you the way you deserve to be treated! It seems he says he'll do better, but then it always comes back to him acting this way. Maybe you don't want me to say this, but that is the way I'm seeing things.
If I were sick, I would expect Jon to come home and help me out especially now that there are kids involved and not go out drinking whether or not his family member had just passed or not. He has to remember that he needs to take care of his family that is still here!
That's just my thoughts - remember, you asked!
We have never met and I have no idea what your "normal" relationship is but I would have to ask myself if this was the way I would want or deserve to be treated. If the answer is no, then some serious talking is in order. I know that grief is handled in many different ways but verbally abusing your wife usually isn't one of the more accepted stages of grief and adding alcohol to the situation is never a good idea. Many times people use exuses such as a death of a relative or job loss etc to make it "OK" to act out thinking that it is acceptable in those circumstances and that is a lot like what a 6 year old does when they don't like your answer. If I were you, I would not dismiss his actions without a very good heart to heart that by the end, you feel that you get honest answers. Marriage can be tough and only you can decide if you are being treated as you should be.
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