Yesterday I was just so tired. I got the kids to school and came home and was just cleaning the kitchen. Cleaning seems to be something that I do when I want to think. Plus Hubby had left coffee grounds on the counter the day before. I just haven't cleaned much lately so I did a lot yesterday. After I got done cleaning I came onto the computer and found myself just staring at it. I don't know what I was waiting for. Last Friday, after we got the news, My hubby came onto the computer and asked Matt for a sign that he was still here with us and the computer did the strangest thing. He turned it on and it was starting to go to the main screen and then suddenly went black. A small dot was starting in the middle of the screen and just grew bigger until the whole screen was white with these colored streaks going down it. I watched this and was telling my husband that it had never down that before. The computer has not done that since either.
On Sunday, I was cleaning the house a bit and putting clothes away when this musky smell came around my husband. I asking him if he was sweating and he said no. There was this smell that was like the leather on a tool belt mix with sweat. I just don't know how else to describe it, but it was not my husband smell. And the smell was only around my husband. It was Matt that was here checking in on his big brother.
Guilt set in on Wednesday. I was so angry at myself for not letting my kids be closer to him. Not that I was keeping him away, we were just all too busy all the time, you know? We saw him every Easter and every Christmas and sometimes at other times during the year. I was so mad the past few days and I can't explain why. I just hate myself for not being there the way my husband needs me. I am just so selfish right now and I can't stop. For example, last night there was a pumpkin carving party at the kids school and my husband said that he was going to go with us and then at the very last minute, he decided that he just couldn't go. So I got it and I let him stay home. But then this morning he got up and went to work. Why is he shutting his family out and spending time with people at work? Even on Monday, when the family got together to make the arrangements, he got comfort from one of his co-workers and just treated me like crap. Like I was his servant and not his wife. God I am such a bitch for feeling this way and now I know why his family doesn't like me and why Matthew hardly ever came around our house. Who would want to be around a bitch like me?
Yesterday, after I dropped Sho-sho off at school, I came home and just slept. We were suppose to go to the store and get other things done during this time, but I think the nap was just what we both needed. I just feel so tired all the time. I sleep all night and wake up about 6:30 or so. But I just feel so tired. And my body aches everywhere. My lower back more than anything. The other night, Tuesday I think, I got a charlie horse in the middle of the night and now my foot and leg just hurts all the time.
well I think that is enough ramblings for now. I think Hubby might go to his dad's to help them go through more of Matt things this weekend. Basically it is a "take what you want of his, we don't know what to do with it" kind of thing. We have a few of his things and I think the kids would love to have a few of his shirts to maybe sleep in at night.
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2 comments:
You are not a bitch. Perhaps he may feel he will get too emotional if he talks about it with his family. And I think anyone would feel that way if our spouse was treating us in a way that felt we were his/her servant.
I think it was good you took the kids to their party.
Just popped in to see how you are all doing. I hope you not posting is because you are busy doing good things and all is well.
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