The end of a long week.

Yesterday I was just so tired. I got the kids to school and came home and was just cleaning the kitchen. Cleaning seems to be something that I do when I want to think. Plus Hubby had left coffee grounds on the counter the day before. I just haven't cleaned much lately so I did a lot yesterday. After I got done cleaning I came onto the computer and found myself just staring at it. I don't know what I was waiting for. Last Friday, after we got the news, My hubby came onto the computer and asked Matt for a sign that he was still here with us and the computer did the strangest thing. He turned it on and it was starting to go to the main screen and then suddenly went black. A small dot was starting in the middle of the screen and just grew bigger until the whole screen was white with these colored streaks going down it. I watched this and was telling my husband that it had never down that before. The computer has not done that since either.

On Sunday, I was cleaning the house a bit and putting clothes away when this musky smell came around my husband. I asking him if he was sweating and he said no. There was this smell that was like the leather on a tool belt mix with sweat. I just don't know how else to describe it, but it was not my husband smell. And the smell was only around my husband. It was Matt that was here checking in on his big brother.

Guilt set in on Wednesday. I was so angry at myself for not letting my kids be closer to him. Not that I was keeping him away, we were just all too busy all the time, you know? We saw him every Easter and every Christmas and sometimes at other times during the year. I was so mad the past few days and I can't explain why. I just hate myself for not being there the way my husband needs me. I am just so selfish right now and I can't stop. For example, last night there was a pumpkin carving party at the kids school and my husband said that he was going to go with us and then at the very last minute, he decided that he just couldn't go. So I got it and I let him stay home. But then this morning he got up and went to work. Why is he shutting his family out and spending time with people at work? Even on Monday, when the family got together to make the arrangements, he got comfort from one of his co-workers and just treated me like crap. Like I was his servant and not his wife. God I am such a bitch for feeling this way and now I know why his family doesn't like me and why Matthew hardly ever came around our house. Who would want to be around a bitch like me?

Yesterday, after I dropped Sho-sho off at school, I came home and just slept. We were suppose to go to the store and get other things done during this time, but I think the nap was just what we both needed. I just feel so tired all the time. I sleep all night and wake up about 6:30 or so. But I just feel so tired. And my body aches everywhere. My lower back more than anything. The other night, Tuesday I think, I got a charlie horse in the middle of the night and now my foot and leg just hurts all the time.

well I think that is enough ramblings for now. I think Hubby might go to his dad's to help them go through more of Matt things this weekend. Basically it is a "take what you want of his, we don't know what to do with it" kind of thing. We have a few of his things and I think the kids would love to have a few of his shirts to maybe sleep in at night.

Wednesday.....

This morning I woke up at 6:19 am. That seems to be the time I wake up lately. The house was quiet and I just sat in bed. I started to just let my mind wonder. We had went out last night with my husbands sisters and brothers and they all had so many good memories of Matt and all I could remember was bad things. Aren't I just such a Bitch for that? Anyway, I am laying in bed and thinking. And I hear " Hey there buddy, what's up?" That was something that Matthew always greeted my boys with. There is a part in the Spongebob movie that spongebob says that, and we always say that was uncle Matt.

I got up out of bed this morning around 9 and started a load of clothes washing. About a half hour later my husband when downstairs for something and found that the main pipe was flooding. (what a great day for that!) So we had to plug all the drains and not flush the toilet to prevent it from flooding more. That was real nice.

We left the house about 11 to head over to the funeral home and no one wanted to go inside. It was such a hard thing to see my mother-in-law cry. She said something that hit me b/c it is a thought that I have often. She said " I use to always think that I was so lucky b/c my children are healthy and I still have them, but now I know I am wrong, b/c I do not have all of them." That hit me sooo hard. That is something that I thank God for everyday. My children have their illnesses, but I have them here. I get to touch and hug them everyday.

We went inside to view Matt and the sight of the pictures in the front entrance were hard to see. There are so many memories in those pictures. Matthew sneaking in bunny ears on someone or sliding in the finger to the camera.

I stayed in the main entrance while Debbie, their mom, went in to view Matt along with others, including my husband. The sound of that woman's pain, I just can't describe. I hurts to see and hear her in pain and yet all she is thinking about is how much pain everyone else is in and how she can fix it.

After awhile I decided to go back to the room and see him. I just needed closure, you know. It just was not real to me, until I could see him. When I got in there, I had my arm around Sneezer and we were fine. We couldn't see his face, there were people crowded around him, but when that one person moved and I saw that it was Matt. I just did not want to believe it. Why is he there?

He just looked like he was sleeping.

I had to look away and I could not hold the tears back anymore and they came down so hard. and My oldest little girl was crying in my arms and I just didn't know what to do. I left it up to her to go and see him. I left that decision up to all the kids. I just did not want to keep anything from them. I want them to say their goodbyes and not have any regrets.

The service was beautiful. One by one People came up and said things. Both parents got up and said something along with all the siblings and some friends that had lost touch over the years. I really, so badly needed Dave to be there. Dave is my husbands best friend and I just could not comfort my kids and my husband at the same time. But unfortunately, Dave was not there. But his friend Matt was and he promised me he would be there for us if we needed anything. I told him that my husband will need a guys night sometime soon. I know that he needs to talk and he can talk more with them then he can with me. You know?

D kept everything in all week. He showed no emotion when I told him the news. I thought maybe this was just a guy thing. He showed no emotion during the service, but then when we came home and hubby was here with the plumbers to fix our pipe, me and the other kids left to great grandma's house and I guess D let it all out and was crying and he needed something. he needed something that had Uncle matt alive again. So now he carries a photo of Matt with him everywhere.

We got home from everything around 9:30 tonight. It was just a long hard day for everyone and now it is just time for some sleep. I want to thank you all for stopping by and reading my blog and OHN, thank you so much for your kind words. No mother should ever do this and I don't even want to imagine being in her shoes.

One last thing. Matt worked so hard to stop taking the pain pills and he did! He did so good. He was sober for 3 months and was doing so well working with his brother and his dad. It is just sad that once he got it, you know, he got that he didn't need the pain pills anymore, this was the time that God decided he needed him.

So Matt, drop by anytime! We will leave a light on and I promise I will not let Chewy bite you!!!

Tuesday ....

Last night we got together with my husbands family and cried and talked alot. I talked to His mom last night and just wish that I could help her through this is some way. All I could do was listen and hug her when she cried. I dont know what else to do.

They came up with a list of songs that meant something to them or reminded them of matt and I burned a copy of all the songs for them. I figure it is the least i could do. I wish I could do more.

Mark, my father in law called me this morning asking me to add a song and i felt bad that i had already made the discs. plus the song he was asking for, I could not find anywhere. Then he cried more and told me to promise to always take care of his son. I could not stop crying after that. and now I am crying again.

Monday Morning

So I woke up this morning to the sound of Hubby getting ready for work. Why can't he just take time off? we went shopping at wal-fart yesterday and Sho-sho started crying over something that she wanted but was not getting and Hubby grabbed her and said " at least you can cry, my brother can't even cry anymore." It was then that I took the kids out to the car. Sneezer stayed with Hubby.
When they got to the car, I could hear sniffling coming from Hubby and I asked him if he was okay, and he said "No. He can't even go to wal*mart anymore." I really don't know what to say to him. I want to tell him that even though he can't see Matt that he is here with him everyday. But I just don't think he wants to hear my sappy Bulls**t. you know? So I just put my hand on his leg and when we got home I gave him a hug.

I half expecting him to at least be home by now, but I guess being busy is easier for him. When he is here and it is quiet, he just starts to cry. Yesterday, he was started to yell at the kids for being loud and he called Sho-sho by his sister's name. I don't know where he was at that moment, but it made my stomach churn.

We haven't heard anything yet about the autopsy. Hubby went with his dad and one of his step-brothers to Matt's house to start packing his stuff. That was hard for them all and when Hubby got home, he wouldn't stop looking at the things he brought home.

Good News and Bad News

First the good news...

Yesterday I found out that CJ's teacher is having twins. I am so excited for her and when she told me I was having a hard time to show I was happy for her. As to why, well that is the bad news.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from my father-in-law asking for his ex-wife's phone number. I thought that was very strange knowing the dislike that they have for each other, but I just brushed it off. About 10 minutes after that call, I got another call. The person on the phone was making strange noises and after a few seconds I realized that it was my husband sobbing uncontrollably. After a few moments, he was able to get out a few words. "Matt is dead."
The rest of the conversation is much of a blur. Matthew is My husband's younger brother. He is just a couple years younger than me. As of now, we do not know the cause of his death. We do know that he was at the hospital Thursday night complaining of chest pains. The ER person that checked him could not find anything so they discharged him. From what we figured, he died a few short hours after he left the hospital. He was not found until Friday morning by his room mate who was coming into his room to check on him.

These are going to be hard days for my husband and his family. I ask that you pray for them.

As a spouse, this is new to me. I am here for them and my husband in anyway I can. I don't know what else to do.

I saw My father-in-law today and hugged him and he began to cry, which then made us all cry in response. I know that my children loved their uncle so much and he will truly be missed by all of us.

Haven't been here for a while

Okay so I haven't wrote a blog in awhile and well I just seem to be really busy with the kids and school. On Tuesdays I have been going into CJ's classroom and helping out. I love doing that so much. Which makes me think that maybe I will go down and take that test to become a teacher's aid. In the 2 1/2 hours that I have the other days of the week I have been trying to watch some movies and read a book, but mostly I am talking to my sister via email. I did watch Disturbia the other and really liked it. It was not as predictable and most thrillers are. Today I think I will watch Black Snake Moan. I don't know how good this will be. I haven't heard a lot about it, but it sounded good.

During the past month of spending one day a week with CJ's teacher I have learned a lot about her. I found out that she started a IVF cycle at the beginning of the school year and it worked!!! She found out on weds. if there are twins or not. She transferred two eggs and is hoping for twins. I wish her and her husband the best. She has one daughter already that she had to go through 3 IVF's before she was blessed with her. This time around she was very lucky and it took the first try. Her Beta levels were very high last week, so she thinks that she is carrying twins but I guess we'll find out.

I survived sneezer's 12th b-day!! We had a pizza party at Rocky Rococo's and then went over to watch Sydney White at the AMC theater. That was a cute movie. She invited 10 girls plus her cousin and somehow 15 girls were there including Sneezer and Sho-Sho. I found out after the party that two of the girls were not invited and those same two girls were the ones causing problems during the movie. I was going to call their parents to discuss it with them, but then Sneezer tells me that her and another girl yelled at them already and they got the point. But!! If I happen to see these girls parents anywhere, I will talk to them!!

Vader, our wiener dog, turned 3 on the 16th. The Twins turned 4 months on the 12th!
Happy anniversary of your birth!!

I have been trying to walk alot more and drink less pop and I can feel the fat coming off!! My pants are starting to not fit and are so baggy that they make me feel fat. It is so time to go shopping for clothes. I bought a couple of tops yesterday and Sneezer was helping me pick some tops out and the one she picked I think is cute, but when I tried it on, it just looked silly on me. But I think I will keep it just to have a nice top to wear somewhere. I am more of a cotton t-shirt and jeans type of girl, so wearing this frou-frou baby doll top just looks silly on me.

Hmm, what else? Halloween is coming up. We were going to go to a party, but they cancelled it. The kids are having parties, all but Sneezer's class, apparently they are too old for Halloween? But I have had Sho-sho's and CJ's teacher ask me to help them and their parties are the same time. I have looked over the activities and found that Sho-sho's class is doing more than CJ's and I feel that she may need more help than Cj's teacher would. Though I somehow feel obligated to CJ's teacher b/c I am in there every Tuesday and well, I don't know. I guess we will see how many other volunteers each teacher has and go from there?

well that is about all here, time to get Sho-sho ready for school.