This morning I woke up at 6:19 am. That seems to be the time I wake up lately. The house was quiet and I just sat in bed. I started to just let my mind wonder. We had went out last night with my husbands sisters and brothers and they all had so many good memories of Matt and all I could remember was bad things. Aren't I just such a Bitch for that? Anyway, I am laying in bed and thinking. And I hear " Hey there buddy, what's up?" That was something that Matthew always greeted my boys with. There is a part in the Spongebob movie that spongebob says that, and we always say that was uncle Matt.
I got up out of bed this morning around 9 and started a load of clothes washing. About a half hour later my husband when downstairs for something and found that the main pipe was flooding. (what a great day for that!) So we had to plug all the drains and not flush the toilet to prevent it from flooding more. That was real nice.
We left the house about 11 to head over to the funeral home and no one wanted to go inside. It was such a hard thing to see my mother-in-law cry. She said something that hit me b/c it is a thought that I have often. She said " I use to always think that I was so lucky b/c my children are healthy and I still have them, but now I know I am wrong, b/c I do not have all of them." That hit me sooo hard. That is something that I thank God for everyday. My children have their illnesses, but I have them here. I get to touch and hug them everyday.
We went inside to view Matt and the sight of the pictures in the front entrance were hard to see. There are so many memories in those pictures. Matthew sneaking in bunny ears on someone or sliding in the finger to the camera.
I stayed in the main entrance while Debbie, their mom, went in to view Matt along with others, including my husband. The sound of that woman's pain, I just can't describe. I hurts to see and hear her in pain and yet all she is thinking about is how much pain everyone else is in and how she can fix it.
After awhile I decided to go back to the room and see him. I just needed closure, you know. It just was not real to me, until I could see him. When I got in there, I had my arm around Sneezer and we were fine. We couldn't see his face, there were people crowded around him, but when that one person moved and I saw that it was Matt. I just did not want to believe it. Why is he there?
He just looked like he was sleeping.
I had to look away and I could not hold the tears back anymore and they came down so hard. and My oldest little girl was crying in my arms and I just didn't know what to do. I left it up to her to go and see him. I left that decision up to all the kids. I just did not want to keep anything from them. I want them to say their goodbyes and not have any regrets.
The service was beautiful. One by one People came up and said things. Both parents got up and said something along with all the siblings and some friends that had lost touch over the years. I really, so badly needed Dave to be there. Dave is my husbands best friend and I just could not comfort my kids and my husband at the same time. But unfortunately, Dave was not there. But his friend Matt was and he promised me he would be there for us if we needed anything. I told him that my husband will need a guys night sometime soon. I know that he needs to talk and he can talk more with them then he can with me. You know?
D kept everything in all week. He showed no emotion when I told him the news. I thought maybe this was just a guy thing. He showed no emotion during the service, but then when we came home and hubby was here with the plumbers to fix our pipe, me and the other kids left to great grandma's house and I guess D let it all out and was crying and he needed something. he needed something that had Uncle matt alive again. So now he carries a photo of Matt with him everywhere.
We got home from everything around 9:30 tonight. It was just a long hard day for everyone and now it is just time for some sleep. I want to thank you all for stopping by and reading my blog and OHN, thank you so much for your kind words. No mother should ever do this and I don't even want to imagine being in her shoes.
One last thing. Matt worked so hard to stop taking the pain pills and he did! He did so good. He was sober for 3 months and was doing so well working with his brother and his dad. It is just sad that once he got it, you know, he got that he didn't need the pain pills anymore, this was the time that God decided he needed him.
So Matt, drop by anytime! We will leave a light on and I promise I will not let Chewy bite you!!!
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2 comments:
That just made me cry - reading that D carries a photo of Matt with him. I had no idea that they were that close.
:-(
It is especially difficult for kids that really don't get the finality of death. Like you, I have always left it up to my kids if they wanted to say goodbye. I really listen to what they are saying and try to help guide them but I won't force anything on them. When my FIL died two of my sons said goodbye and the other one decided he didn't want to see a grandpa that might be different than the man he knew so he is content with his memories and a couple small items that belonged to grandpa. You sound very tired. I hope you get a chance to step back and gather your thoughts and rest a bit.
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